Bottled Sky

I am PMSing in the worst possible way. This means for the past several days I have been jumping from one of the following moods to another:

• Cranky, as in becoming irritated by the most random and trivial things, such as people walking too loudly (I’m not kidding);
• Hungry, as in eating the entire contents of our refrigerator every two hours; and
• Horny, as in wanting to pounce on every hot (or even not-so-hot) guy that I see.

Even more interesting is when I experience two or all of those moods at once:

• Cranky & Hungry, as in becoming irritated by the fact that I’m eating my third bag of chips for the day;
• Hungry & Horny, as in wanting to pour melted chocolate over every hot (or even not-so-hot) guy that I see;
• Horny & Cranky, as in BDSM; or
• All Three, as in BDSM (melted-chocolate edition).

As much as I love being female, I can’t help but wish I didn’t have to go through this hormonal yo-yo every single month.

This is a conversation I had with my friend Chrissa last night.

Me: Hey, let’s vacation in Greece!

Chrissa: I’m game! When?

Me: Well, we’ll have to save up first, so… three years from now?

Chrissa: Sounds great. (Thinks for a moment.) Will we be bringing boyfriends on this trip?

Me: Oh, definitely not! In fact, if I happen to be seeing anyone at that time, I might have to break up with him temporarily. I mean, what good is a European vacation if I can’t hook up with at least one hot local?

Chrissa: Exactly! Glad we’re on the same page.

So, men of Greece, it’s a date! Chrissa and I are coming for you in 2010

I have a folder entitled “Weird” in my e-mail account specifically for strange or silly e-mails sent via this website. For some reason almost all of the messages that end up there are from male visitors. Here’s a rundown of the more interesting ones:

• One guy described my site as “babaeng-babae” (very womanly). That in itself isn’t weird at all, but then he added, “I can smell you from here.” Yikes.
• Another guy decided to regale me with HIS ENTIRE LIFE STORY IN CAPS LOCK. It was one long paragraph of caps-locked goodness detailing his life from birth to his current efforts to become a licensed chemical engineer. You’d think that a Chemical Engineering graduate would be smart enough to find the Caps Lock key and turn if off, but you’d be wrong.
• After blogging about my decision to become a vegetarian, a concerned visitor sent me this wise warning: “Scientists claim that humans’ brains didn’t begin to grow until we started eating meat. You don’t want to go retro!” Did you get that, people? Giving up meat will cause you to regress into an ape. Be warned!
• I honestly do not know what to make of this next one, so I’ll do away with the commentary and just post the e-mail in its full, unedited glory:
  

  I just want to tell you that you are very very beautiful girl because I saw the first your photos, but when I read about you I was disappointed because your beauty is much more unique than your personality. I hope that you will change one day and that you will be able to love somebody who will wish you so much as I could if you would not be so selfish and conceited as you are now. If you ever wish to be courage and love a clever man who would make love with you 3 times per day and smile at least 3 hours, send me e-mail. By the way, there are so many beautiful girls who would like to be special and unique, but if they do not have nice personality and good peaceful heart, they are simply not attractive to clever and goodlooking man, just to under-average stupid and reach men who will be never able to give you what you really need and to make you happy, just to give you money to go to shopping. Do not be angry on this e-mail, I just wish you all the best!!

• A foot fetishist offered to buy me gifts in exchange for pictures of my feet. The request was a little creepy, but the e-mail itself was very politely and apologetically phrased. I almost wanted to reply, “You don’t need to buy me gifts! My feet are sluts — they’ll do it for free!” Almost
• “I…I think I Love you!” Awwww.

Taking a cue from my traveling book, one of my favorite pairs of pants has left me for Germany. My aunt, who lives there, stayed with us for a couple of weeks in November. She went back home just before the holidays, and my pants were accidentally mixed in with her luggage.

Although I’m a little bummed about losing those pants, I can’t help but be amused that another of my possessions has reached Europe before me. Plus, I can’t really complain, because although I lost a pair of pants, I gained three cocktail dresses that my aunt generously bequeathed to me before she left. Sure, they look like they belong more in the costume department of a bad 80′s movie than in my closet, but at least they’re, um, interesting.

• Dress # 1 is bright purple with a fully-sequined bustier top and a skirt made of shiny, metallic fur (I kid you not). It also comes with a matching shawl made of the same furry fabric.
• Dress # 2 has a black satin bodice and a ruffled, gold-and-peach skirt. I don’t know what that gold fabric is called. I asked my mom, but the only thing she could say was that it looked like crinkled candy wrapper There’s also a wide ruffle that runs around the bust area, which my aunt says is supposed to make the wearer look like a flower.
• Dress # 3 is made of black brocade and adorned with a big bow on the front. It’s actually pretty tame compared to the other two.

All three dresses fall just above the knee. In case you’re having trouble imagining what they look like, here’s a visual aid:

All I need now are 3-foot-high bangs and a costume party to attend. Does anyone want to join me? I’d probably wear the furry, sequined wonder; you can pick from the other two dresses.

Nikki’s Failure Tip #347: Waste time by writing pointless haikus.

An excellent example of a pointless haiku appears below. It was written by Nikki herself while failing to finish a 10-page dialectic discussion on art theory.

caffeine and no sleep
deadlines loom ominously
procrastination

For a complete list of Nikki’s Failure Tips, watch out for her new book entitled “I’ll Think of a Title Later: The Procrastinator’s Guide to Never Getting Anything Done.” It will be released worldwide as soon as Nikki finishes writing it (i.e. never).

You can also check out Nikki’s writing portfolio (which is really less “writing portfolio” than “two poems and one children’s story written for class then recycled into website content” — but we’ll just call it a writing portfolio for brevity’s sake).